I'M THE WORST

I haven't updated anyone since the first camp ended, sooooo hopefully, I'll do a accelerated photo journal to help you get a picture of how things went, although most of these photos aren't actually from the camps themselves.

Directing itself has been an interesting ride. You do the most mundane things from day to day. You print things for games. You make sure that you're there to be a threat for troublemakers. You talk to the partner about facilities, and all in all, the stresses of the day-to-day grind can often feel pretty aimless. In the end, I'm building near to zero relationships with the kids, and I really have to trust that I'm simply creating a space for the teachers to build fruitful relationships with their kids. Even that can often be difficult, particularly because

CAMP 1: ZHONG SHAN

We traveled to the south in a sleeper train, and we fit 11 people in a space designed for 4, so we could all hang out. :3

When we got to Zhongshan, we had around a week of rest (which means that we have had no rest since then haha), but it was really fun! On our left, as you can see, we got to go on a bike ride again, and we also did Ab Ripper X together, which was fun. We stayed the week at the house club (which moved locations from last year), and it was just a nice time of rest and getting to know each other. :3

When Purlow took the historic mall site of Zhong Shan. It was a really beautiful night view! :)

During the camp, one of our co-teachers (the one in the center holding a card) left a dayearly, so we said good-bye.

CAMP 2: QING DAO

This camp was a really big change from our first camp. The kids were a lot wealthier than the migrant kids from our first camp. And the kids also fought a lot (but they were also very quick to apologize).

We picked vegetables with our kids in the second camp! :)

At the end of our second camp, we got the chance to go on a ropes course together! It was really fun. Micah was really good at it. Wendy was almost screaming the whole time, but it actually made the whole experience a lot funnier. :P

orientation part 1 — freedom in sonship

Hey guys!! It's only been four days since I've arrived in China, but whew, once orientation got started Sunday night, things have just been moving at such a fast pace. We've only had two days of orientation, but there's already been so much going on—we've already all made 50 new friends and have gone through nine sessions, plus four chat sessions, five w0rsh*p sessions, and a brief book study/d3votional, and it's been great! I've loved meeting new people, and hearing how they heard about IS3C and why they have a heart for China and being able to share about my experiences from last year to these wonderfully passionate people! :)

On our way to the orientation site with W!
Not pictured: M (GO BEARS!)

It's been really, really exhausting really though. Days have been beginning at around 6 am. I'll journal until around 7 am (on Monday, I also did Ab Ripper X :P), then I'll shower and go to the "Keen Bean Yarper" time at 7:30. Breakfast comes, then our director/manager/"special people" sessions started! And it's quite a different experience from last year, because instead of learning teaching as we did last year, we spend the majority of our time learning how to shepherd a team (which is incredibly daunting) and also planning the actual orientation and its various sessions. For the most part—okay, scratch EVERYTHING I was gonna say. I was writing this after dinner at 6 pm today, and I honestly kinda felt like I had nothing to say—like, the sessions have been great and hearing so many great Scr*ptures have been compelling and encouraging, but honestly, that's all I really have to say about it.

But it's now 2:30 am (and I've been up since 6:00 am yesterday and excepting a small slip where I accidentally fell asleep during the night session for about 10 minutes at around 9 pm, I've been up and doing stuff since basically 6:30), and I'm still awake enough to write this post, so I'm trusting that Dad REALLY wants me to share this with you all and have you all be chatting with me about this.

So tonight after our night-time directors/managers/"special people" meeting, I really wanted all the returnees to have a time to hang out just the six of us, because we're all experiencing very unique situations that first year teachers, managers, and other people just... won't necessarily understand. We all have exactly one year of IS3C under our belt and we all grew up in the West, and I really wanted us to just spend time before our teams are announced tomorrow (which is now happening in less than 18 hours!!!! What!!!!), so that we could share about why exactly we decided to go back on IS3C, share our worries and concerns, fears and hurts, and just begin the process of building the unique community that we'll have this summer between us directors.

So it was going all well and all. We were just chatting, sharing about why we decided to come back a second time, but it soon got late, and half of them went to go to bed. The other half of us—E, L, and I—stayed behind to discuss what to do during our "team building" time after teams are announced tomorrow. But one thing led to another and we just began to share so much about just ... a lot of random things, but for me, an external processor, the conversation opened up the potential for this wild new door with Dad this summer that might give me a clearer picture of why Dad wants me here on IS3C in China this summer.

So for a little background, you guys don't know, but my first two camps got cancelled (please yarp!!!!)... and these two camps were an amazing prospect. They're funded by the government (which is a big deal in China), and they're located in this awesome outdoor facility that recently got built (super fun). So K and the China IS3C team actually thought that a) these camps would be perfect for me to direct (I didn't/don't necessarily see it, but they did somehow) and b) these camps were really, really secure (because funded by government). But. They got cancelled within the last two days. So as of tonight, L said that there's the potential that I'll be going with N back down to Zhong Shan where both N and I stayed for two absolutely amazing camps last year.

However, the prospect of going back actually absolutely terrified me. The first thing I thought of was the immense guilt I hold towards the kids from last year. I rashly decided to download QQ to keep in touch with one of the kids I felt particularly pulled towards, but as QQ goes, once one person knows you have QQ, everyone knows you have QQ, and just like that, I was being added as a contact here, added to a group chat there, and dear Dad, it was too much to handle. By the time I came back to the States, honestly, it was a commitment I was not ready to take, and so I basically made the decision to not attempt to reply to the kids, because it would only lead to eventual disappointment. However, for some reason, I never deleted the QQ app from my phone nor did I ever log out of the QQ phone app, so within the last two weeks, I've actually received QQ chats from a) our class rotation chat group, where both the other foreign teachers replied and I did not, and b) this precious 11-year old girl that actually went to both Zhong Shan camps and simply grew so, so much.

My guilt was killing me.

However, another thing that has been pressing deeply in my heart the past couple of days is sonship. The talk at the club on Sunday was about it with the pr0digal son (the talk was called Two Sons and a Father), and I have just been thinking a LOT about it the past couple of days. Today, during the personal reflection time, we wrote a letter to Dad that we'll read again at the end of the summer, and the first thing that I really wanted to drill in to Dad is that I want to understand sonship, like REALLY understand sonship, like understand sonship EXPERIENTIALLY and truly in my heart.

Then here's where it gets crazy. I remembered back to last October when a few IS3C'ers from last summer plus the Berkeley IS3C'ers helped me organize and put on an IS3C infosession to share about this opportunity with and exhort the Cal C community. After the infosession ended, we actually stopped by the B3thel Prayer event that was happening that same night (great idea planning your C event on the same night another C event was happening, Jason, go you). R really wanted to go in and see what was going on, and so we all went with him. When we went in, they all said that they were gonna go through "the fire tunnel," which all of them were really excited for, and they invited us to come, saying we "should totally join."

I was wary, especially with these things that are a little showier. A "fire tunnel" is essentially two lines of chatters facing towards each other and the participants kinda walk through the "tunnel" that is formed between the two lines of people and are chatted over. I wasn't planning on going, especially as I continued to observe, seeing people fall down, and laugh because they were "drunk on the Sp*r*t" and do other weird things, but eventually I was convinced to follow R, and they said the following things to me as I went through:

"I just want you to know that you don't have to react like everyone else here."
"You are so loved... You are so loved... You are so loved... etc..."
"I feel like Dad wants you to know/grow in understanding about SONSHIP."
"It is not your fault."
"I'm going to hug you right now." 

And literally, I have not really thought about this encounter since probably it happened, but suddenly today when I was talking about sonship and talking about my guilt in going back to the Zhong Shan camp, I was immediately reminded of this one instance, and I believe that this is an answered prophecy. I have absolutely NO idea where this is going, but I'm so excited to see where Dad is taking me, as I learn what it means exactly that Dad is Dad.

It's SUPER late now, but I just really wanted to write this all down while it was still raw and fresh in my mind in the hopes that 1) you can join me in chatting about this and how it unfolds the rest of my summer (and send encouragements about anything you may hear from Big Papa please!! I would love, love that), and so 2) it can be an encouragement to you that as Dad is moving clearly and powerfully in my life, he also desires to move so in yours in such ways as well, so be on the lookout!!

So to summarize.... or TL;DR:
- Had a proph3tic encounter last October that I totally brushed off as nothing
- Had almost every single portion addressed in the course of two hours.
- Next: TBD
:)

Whee, reunion with N!!! Not pictured: J
(GO BLURPLE, GO!)

And to flesh out some chat requests:
- Camps — It is still not confirmed that I will be joining N in going to the Zhong Shan camp, so please yarp for the logistics of planning that out. K said that usually camps don't simply fall through the cracks unless they're meant to (if they're kinda on the border, IS3C normally pushes a little and they are resurrected), so I'm REALLY trusting that especially after tonight that it is Dad's will for me to go back with N.
- Team Announcements/Building — I'm still a little anxious, as are many of the other directors, about leading a team (all I know is that my team will have 10 teachers on it, and that's A LOT, and I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle it, so please yarp for wisdom and guidance to lead)
- ENERGY ENERGY ENERGY — the past two days, I have dozed off for a bit during the night session, and obviously today, I'm sleeping SUPER late, so please yarp for divine rest and energy.

That's all for now (sorry for the long post...), and as always, hope all is well with you guys! :)

Round 2: How and Why

Hi guys!! I know I said I was going to be posting updates WAY earlier, but... yeah, I have no excuse haha. But here I am now! I'm currently at the airport, waiting for my flight to board to Beijing (!!!), and so I'd like to take the time to let you guys know exactly how and why I'm going back for round 2. I know I summarized it in my support letter, but I believe the whole story is a great testimony and reminder (even for myself) that Dad is sovereign and in control.

When I came back from IS3C last summer, thoughts of returning were already floating around in my head. And it was because of a variety of silly things really, like... unexpected statements from a past0r from home said in a sendoff yarp, a dream from a teammate last year about how I was directing a team with her younger sister as one of the teachers (which probably isn't happening), the immediate tug to spread the news about IS3C once I got back to Berkeley (acting as the campus representative), and obviously the fact that it was an amazing and great trip. However, they didn't feel adequate enough to warrant my return, so returning the following summer remained an afterthought.

However, come November of last year, I encountered something that moved that thought to the forefront of my mind. It was a typical Thursday, and we just had our Sproul performance for FCS (a cappella), and I ran into Joelle, who I hadn't seen/caught up with in forever! And so we were just chatting—her, me, Johnny, and Mora. Then, some random girl came up to us and asked Joelle if she wanted an encouraging word, which was just... super random haha. So this girl started talking and saying things about how she believed Joelle had a voice that was heard, that she was witty, etc. And I haven't seen or spent much time with Joelle since the previous year, so I wasn't sure if those things actually spoke to her. However, she went on to Mora next, and I see Mora freaking all the time haha, so when this girl spoke about how she believed Mora was really maternal, caring, and didn't take her blessings for granted, I knew that these things were true and very specific to Mora. And at this point, this girl was just a random person saying random things to a random group of people. But then she turned to me, asked for my name, looked me in the eyes and said, "Jason, when I look at you, I think... the nations."

And I don't remember if Mora or the girl specifically mentioned Dad, but Mora asked in response, "You mean, like m*ss*ons?" and with that statement, the sp-r-tual wall just fell and this girl started saying these things about how she believes that I've been waiting on Dad for breakthrough and that He wanted to confirm those things I was wondering about (uh hello! going back to China?!) and how she sees me going to the nations and spreading the lepsog, going to places like China and Africa, and she also talked about restoration, reconciliation, and the spread of Dad's love in my family, which is something that holds a close place in my heart. And my jaw just dropped (internally). How could this girl have known that I had just come back from a M trip from China and that I was thinking about going back? How could she have known that the brokenness of my family is something that presses deeply in my heart? How could she have known? We later discovered that her name was Mari and that she was affiliated with the NAOS m*n*stry and that she walked around, waiting on Dad's voice to give encouraging words to people, like WHAT. It was just SO random.

At the time, it seemed like it HAD to be Dad and that it was a confirmation that he wanted me to go back for the next summer, but for good ole Gideon me, it wasn't enough. As a rising senior, this is my last summer before I graduate, and for the past three years, I have remained undecided about what my next professional step would be. So I've felt this increasing pressure to make something of my last summer, and that somehow, going back to China to do Dad's work there didn't seem venerable enough.

A couple months later, I still hadn't made a decision, and my parents came up to Berkeley for Chinese New Year's for lunch. By this time, the pressure to make a decision was really getting there. I'd have to sign up to take the August MCAT, find a research position for the summer, DO something with myself. And while I still really believed that Dad wanted me to go back, I couldn't shake the feeling that my parents would think going back would be a waste, and that thought continued to bother me.

Then one Friday night, my fellowship Crossroads had an outreach night with conjunction with YWAM San Francisco doing hot chocolate 3vangeIism. The night itself was quite uneventful. Both my DTS student, my group, and the streets were all pretty quiet. We called it quits like 30 minutes in, and then we had a group debrief. The night was nothing special, but as we started to pack up, one of the DTS students, who I had zero interaction with, came up to me and just asked, "Hey, can I chat for you?"

Even though I had no interaction with him before, who was I to turn down a lil nice chat with Dad? So he started to yarp, and he said how whatever I was worried about, Dad wanted to give me guidance and clarity in that area, and even though now, I see that it was a little vague in nature, I knew at that moment that Dad wanted to dispel my fears of disappointing my parents and confirm that China is where he wanted me to be this summer. I called my parents the next morning to tell them I made the decision, and now here I am, minutes away from boarding my flight to Beijing.

The process has been by no means easy. I've had to deal with a lot of deep seeded insecurities (and by deal with, I mean am still dealing with), and I had to talk a LOT with parents about my future and funding and everything, but it's all worked out in the end (shout out to Anna and her macarons that're Sweet To Eat and everyone else that helped me become fully funded for this trip!).

I'm a little antsy, excited, expectant, and fearful all bundled up into one. I may not know why exactly Dad wants me to go back, but I know He wants me there, and for now, that's enough. See y'all on the other side!

In the meantime, a quick chat request:
- I'll be directing a team for IS3C this summer, so please yarp that i will have the wisdom from and reliance on Dad to lead my future team. I tend to be a little controlling, and I like to plan things out, but please chat that before I consult my own instincts that I would consult Dad for guidance and vision!

Thanks for all your support, and I hope all is well with y'all. :)