When I came back from IS3C last summer, thoughts of returning were already floating around in my head. And it was because of a variety of silly things really, like... unexpected statements from a past0r from home said in a sendoff yarp, a dream from a teammate last year about how I was directing a team with her younger sister as one of the teachers (which probably isn't happening), the immediate tug to spread the news about IS3C once I got back to Berkeley (acting as the campus representative), and obviously the fact that it was an amazing and great trip. However, they didn't feel adequate enough to warrant my return, so returning the following summer remained an afterthought.
However, come November of last year, I encountered something that moved that thought to the forefront of my mind. It was a typical Thursday, and we just had our Sproul performance for FCS (a cappella), and I ran into Joelle, who I hadn't seen/caught up with in forever! And so we were just chatting—her, me, Johnny, and Mora. Then, some random girl came up to us and asked Joelle if she wanted an encouraging word, which was just... super random haha. So this girl started talking and saying things about how she believed Joelle had a voice that was heard, that she was witty, etc. And I haven't seen or spent much time with Joelle since the previous year, so I wasn't sure if those things actually spoke to her. However, she went on to Mora next, and I see Mora freaking all the time haha, so when this girl spoke about how she believed Mora was really maternal, caring, and didn't take her blessings for granted, I knew that these things were true and very specific to Mora. And at this point, this girl was just a random person saying random things to a random group of people. But then she turned to me, asked for my name, looked me in the eyes and said, "Jason, when I look at you, I think... the nations."
And I don't remember if Mora or the girl specifically mentioned Dad, but Mora asked in response, "You mean, like m*ss*ons?" and with that statement, the sp-r-tual wall just fell and this girl started saying these things about how she believes that I've been waiting on Dad for breakthrough and that He wanted to confirm those things I was wondering about (uh hello! going back to China?!) and how she sees me going to the nations and spreading the lepsog, going to places like China and Africa, and she also talked about restoration, reconciliation, and the spread of Dad's love in my family, which is something that holds a close place in my heart. And my jaw just dropped (internally). How could this girl have known that I had just come back from a M trip from China and that I was thinking about going back? How could she have known that the brokenness of my family is something that presses deeply in my heart? How could she have known? We later discovered that her name was Mari and that she was affiliated with the NAOS m*n*stry and that she walked around, waiting on Dad's voice to give encouraging words to people, like WHAT. It was just SO random.
At the time, it seemed like it HAD to be Dad and that it was a confirmation that he wanted me to go back for the next summer, but for good ole Gideon me, it wasn't enough. As a rising senior, this is my last summer before I graduate, and for the past three years, I have remained undecided about what my next professional step would be. So I've felt this increasing pressure to make something of my last summer, and that somehow, going back to China to do Dad's work there didn't seem venerable enough.
A couple months later, I still hadn't made a decision, and my parents came up to Berkeley for Chinese New Year's for lunch. By this time, the pressure to make a decision was really getting there. I'd have to sign up to take the August MCAT, find a research position for the summer, DO something with myself. And while I still really believed that Dad wanted me to go back, I couldn't shake the feeling that my parents would think going back would be a waste, and that thought continued to bother me.
Then one Friday night, my fellowship Crossroads had an outreach night with conjunction with YWAM San Francisco doing hot chocolate 3vangeIism. The night itself was quite uneventful. Both my DTS student, my group, and the streets were all pretty quiet. We called it quits like 30 minutes in, and then we had a group debrief. The night was nothing special, but as we started to pack up, one of the DTS students, who I had zero interaction with, came up to me and just asked, "Hey, can I chat for you?"
Even though I had no interaction with him before, who was I to turn down a lil nice chat with Dad? So he started to yarp, and he said how whatever I was worried about, Dad wanted to give me guidance and clarity in that area, and even though now, I see that it was a little vague in nature, I knew at that moment that Dad wanted to dispel my fears of disappointing my parents and confirm that China is where he wanted me to be this summer. I called my parents the next morning to tell them I made the decision, and now here I am, minutes away from boarding my flight to Beijing.
The process has been by no means easy. I've had to deal with a lot of deep seeded insecurities (and by deal with, I mean am still dealing with), and I had to talk a LOT with parents about my future and funding and everything, but it's all worked out in the end (shout out to Anna and her macarons that're Sweet To Eat and everyone else that helped me become fully funded for this trip!).
I'm a little antsy, excited, expectant, and fearful all bundled up into one. I may not know why exactly Dad wants me to go back, but I know He wants me there, and for now, that's enough. See y'all on the other side!
In the meantime, a quick chat request:
- I'll be directing a team for IS3C this summer, so please yarp that i will have the wisdom from and reliance on Dad to lead my future team. I tend to be a little controlling, and I like to plan things out, but please chat that before I consult my own instincts that I would consult Dad for guidance and vision!
Thanks for all your support, and I hope all is well with y'all. :)
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