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| On our way to the orientation site with W! Not pictured: M (GO BEARS!) |
But it's now 2:30 am (and I've been up since 6:00 am yesterday and excepting a small slip where I accidentally fell asleep during the night session for about 10 minutes at around 9 pm, I've been up and doing stuff since basically 6:30), and I'm still awake enough to write this post, so I'm trusting that Dad REALLY wants me to share this with you all and have you all be chatting with me about this.
So tonight after our night-time directors/managers/"special people" meeting, I really wanted all the returnees to have a time to hang out just the six of us, because we're all experiencing very unique situations that first year teachers, managers, and other people just... won't necessarily understand. We all have exactly one year of IS3C under our belt and we all grew up in the West, and I really wanted us to just spend time before our teams are announced tomorrow (which is now happening in less than 18 hours!!!! What!!!!), so that we could share about why exactly we decided to go back on IS3C, share our worries and concerns, fears and hurts, and just begin the process of building the unique community that we'll have this summer between us directors.
So it was going all well and all. We were just chatting, sharing about why we decided to come back a second time, but it soon got late, and half of them went to go to bed. The other half of us—E, L, and I—stayed behind to discuss what to do during our "team building" time after teams are announced tomorrow. But one thing led to another and we just began to share so much about just ... a lot of random things, but for me, an external processor, the conversation opened up the potential for this wild new door with Dad this summer that might give me a clearer picture of why Dad wants me here on IS3C in China this summer.
So for a little background, you guys don't know, but my first two camps got cancelled (please yarp!!!!)... and these two camps were an amazing prospect. They're funded by the government (which is a big deal in China), and they're located in this awesome outdoor facility that recently got built (super fun). So K and the China IS3C team actually thought that a) these camps would be perfect for me to direct (I didn't/don't necessarily see it, but they did somehow) and b) these camps were really, really secure (because funded by government). But. They got cancelled within the last two days. So as of tonight, L said that there's the potential that I'll be going with N back down to Zhong Shan where both N and I stayed for two absolutely amazing camps last year.
However, the prospect of going back actually absolutely terrified me. The first thing I thought of was the immense guilt I hold towards the kids from last year. I rashly decided to download QQ to keep in touch with one of the kids I felt particularly pulled towards, but as QQ goes, once one person knows you have QQ, everyone knows you have QQ, and just like that, I was being added as a contact here, added to a group chat there, and dear Dad, it was too much to handle. By the time I came back to the States, honestly, it was a commitment I was not ready to take, and so I basically made the decision to not attempt to reply to the kids, because it would only lead to eventual disappointment. However, for some reason, I never deleted the QQ app from my phone nor did I ever log out of the QQ phone app, so within the last two weeks, I've actually received QQ chats from a) our class rotation chat group, where both the other foreign teachers replied and I did not, and b) this precious 11-year old girl that actually went to both Zhong Shan camps and simply grew so, so much.
My guilt was killing me.
However, another thing that has been pressing deeply in my heart the past couple of days is sonship. The talk at the club on Sunday was about it with the pr0digal son (the talk was called Two Sons and a Father), and I have just been thinking a LOT about it the past couple of days. Today, during the personal reflection time, we wrote a letter to Dad that we'll read again at the end of the summer, and the first thing that I really wanted to drill in to Dad is that I want to understand sonship, like REALLY understand sonship, like understand sonship EXPERIENTIALLY and truly in my heart.
Then here's where it gets crazy. I remembered back to last October when a few IS3C'ers from last summer plus the Berkeley IS3C'ers helped me organize and put on an IS3C infosession to share about this opportunity with and exhort the Cal C community. After the infosession ended, we actually stopped by the B3thel Prayer event that was happening that same night (great idea planning your C event on the same night another C event was happening, Jason, go you). R really wanted to go in and see what was going on, and so we all went with him. When we went in, they all said that they were gonna go through "the fire tunnel," which all of them were really excited for, and they invited us to come, saying we "should totally join."
I was wary, especially with these things that are a little showier. A "fire tunnel" is essentially two lines of chatters facing towards each other and the participants kinda walk through the "tunnel" that is formed between the two lines of people and are chatted over. I wasn't planning on going, especially as I continued to observe, seeing people fall down, and laugh because they were "drunk on the Sp*r*t" and do other weird things, but eventually I was convinced to follow R, and they said the following things to me as I went through:
"I just want you to know that you don't have to react like everyone else here."And literally, I have not really thought about this encounter since probably it happened, but suddenly today when I was talking about sonship and talking about my guilt in going back to the Zhong Shan camp, I was immediately reminded of this one instance, and I believe that this is an answered prophecy. I have absolutely NO idea where this is going, but I'm so excited to see where Dad is taking me, as I learn what it means exactly that Dad is Dad.
"You are so loved... You are so loved... You are so loved... etc..."
"I feel like Dad wants you to know/grow in understanding about SONSHIP."
"It is not your fault."
"I'm going to hug you right now."
It's SUPER late now, but I just really wanted to write this all down while it was still raw and fresh in my mind in the hopes that 1) you can join me in chatting about this and how it unfolds the rest of my summer (and send encouragements about anything you may hear from Big Papa please!! I would love, love that), and so 2) it can be an encouragement to you that as Dad is moving clearly and powerfully in my life, he also desires to move so in yours in such ways as well, so be on the lookout!!
So to summarize.... or TL;DR:
- Had a proph3tic encounter last October that I totally brushed off as nothing
- Had almost every single portion addressed in the course of two hours.
- Next: TBD
:)
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| Whee, reunion with N!!! Not pictured: J (GO BLURPLE, GO!) |
And to flesh out some chat requests:
- Camps — It is still not confirmed that I will be joining N in going to the Zhong Shan camp, so please yarp for the logistics of planning that out. K said that usually camps don't simply fall through the cracks unless they're meant to (if they're kinda on the border, IS3C normally pushes a little and they are resurrected), so I'm REALLY trusting that especially after tonight that it is Dad's will for me to go back with N.
- Team Announcements/Building — I'm still a little anxious, as are many of the other directors, about leading a team (all I know is that my team will have 10 teachers on it, and that's A LOT, and I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle it, so please yarp for wisdom and guidance to lead)
- ENERGY ENERGY ENERGY — the past two days, I have dozed off for a bit during the night session, and obviously today, I'm sleeping SUPER late, so please yarp for divine rest and energy.
That's all for now (sorry for the long post...), and as always, hope all is well with you guys! :)
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